Putting the passion and soul, into my artwork. For so long, longer than I can really remember, I’ve forgotten what it’s like, to put the passion into my artwork. Really make my artwork glow, literally put a piece of my soul into the work. Back when I did that, it didn’t feel like work, it felt like growing. I can remember now, bits and pieces- points in time where I really threw my creativity and my passion combined , into an art project. Working on those flash games I helped design in 08, when I did an animated background assignment in college, one of my first times working in Flash. I really just miss finding out what worked and what didn’t, spending time tinkering around and messing with stuff in Flash. I love creating art, I really do. The more I continue on this journey of self-discovery, the more I realize that I’m not giving all that I could with this I see the path required to become the man I want to be, and the internal changes required, terrify me.
I’m terrified because I know I could try a little bit, still achieve a decent amount and not have to go as far out of my comfort zone, not have to go through such drastic changes that would result in not totally being me anymore. But what terrifies me, is that I instinctively know that I couldn’t ever just settle for that. On some level I feel like I was born to do more. When I chill with people and they share a little of their lives with me, when they talk about how they wish they could do this or they’d like to help out people if they had more time, money, whatever- some deep part of me wants more. I don’t ever want to be that guy wishing he could do this or that, or letting my life control what I want to do. My ambition, my passion is the thing that frightens me the most. because I feel like I could get consumed by it. I realize now that it’s been a constant driving force in my life and how I’ve reacted to people. I think on some level, the depth and intensity of it has made me overly cautious and hesitant to draw upon it too much.
The internal changes, though. I need to become more patient and understanding with people. I need to lead more, even though over the past two years I’ve loved the chance to get out of the driver’s seat, so to speak. Being a leader all the time is draining to say the least, and it sucks when I can’t just chill with people. But most of all, I have to face my talent, my ambition, my passion. I have to see how far the rabbit hole goes, I have to risk the chance of being consumed by the first if I’m ever going to become a positive force of change.